Not Setting Rules and Boundaries - Biggest Relationship-Dating Mistakes Part Three

By Alex Anderson
from :
http://ezinearticles.com/?Not-Setting-Rules-and-Boundaries---Biggest-Relationship-Dating-Mistakes-Part-Three&id=1321580

I know what you are thinking, you aren't her father so why do you need rules and boundaries? No you won't be playing the role of daddy. Playing dad to her is the last place that you want to be because all daughters rebel against their fathers.

"People treat you the way you train them to"

Ever have a friend that was too nice and as a result people walked all over them? Think about how those same people treated you. Unless you are the nice guy who is a human doormat, they treated you much differently because you have self respect and a back bone. Even though the people were the same, the way that they treated you is different because you trained them to treat you that way.

Creating rules in which to adhere by is all about self respect and love. You tell them what is and what is not acceptable when they interact with you, not only for women but for everyone.

With women it WILL create a lot of attraction. Without rules the attraction will be KILLED and she will make your life a living hell. Some might do it for the former reason but it's not wise to use it as an attraction technique because it won't be congruent. You will be putting on a fake mask of masculinity and will attract women who will put on a fake mask of femininity. The women that pretend to be feminine and are really just masculine have deep control issues. Since you are just pretending to be masculine by having rules for attraction she will control and dominate you.

Your reason for doing this should be the latter, to keep your life peaceful. It should be for your own self respect and sanity, NOT just to get her panties wet.

I am a really simple person with simple needs. I desire for my life to be as peaceful and calm as it can be. Right now my life is pretty peaceful and setting rules for how people should treat me has made this possible.

I have heard some horror stories from guys that let a woman do whatever they want and never tell her what is and is not acceptable.

To effectively have rules and boundaries you must NOT fear losing that person. When you fear losing someone because you feel like you need that person in some way you will only go so far before caving and giving in. When this moment happens, they will know your tipping point and know that they can do whatever they want and you will still stay with them.

By not staying strong and getting rid of the person when they can't treat you with respect will cause them to lose trust in you, especially with women. She will feel like you were lying to her before when you told her that xyz behavior wasn't acceptable. She now knows that you aren't strong enough to keep to your guns. She can no longer rely on you to be strong and has no choice but to pull away and lose attraction.

Get over your fear of losing that person. When you transition from being a doormat to someone with a pair you WILL lose people in your life. They will tell you that you have changed or are weird but its all bs. They are just upset at their inability to control their little whipping boy because the ego loves nothing more than to feel like it can control others.

"but isn't that manipulative and controlling"

Setting rules and boundaries is simply being HONEST. When she decides to flirt with your best friend, on the inside you HATE it but you don't do anything about it. Why? Because you don't want to lose her. You are selling out your integrity and honesty in order to keep someone around. You are lying about your real desire (her to not flirt with your best friend) to get what you want- that's manipulation.

Why should I set rules and boundaries?

"Whenever we give our power away to others and take crap from them, it closes our hearts and causes us to pull back. It's painful to be open with someone and have them take advantage of us or treat us not so nicely."

When you don't own your strength by setting rules your heart closes, making it harder to forgive and love people. Whenever a person disrespects you or gets away with a little too much and you do nothing about it your self esteem WILL DROP. You put up with the crap because you didn't love yourself enough to not let people treat you that way.

It becomes a catch 22 situation because you need that self esteem in order to have the energy to set and "enforce" those rules but your self esteem drops every time that you don't. Eventually you just don't have the energy to do anything about it.

You also lose trust in yourself and in others. You lose trust in others because you don't trust yourself enough to not take crap and not get taken advantaged of by people. As a result you keep people at a distance in order to NOT get hurt again or not feel like a fool for giving away your power.

The whole point of a relationship is to be open and close with someone, to grow and trust each other and to love one another. None of this can be done if you don't trust yourself enough to know that you wont let anyone mess with your heart.

She wont be able to trust you because how can anyone trust someone who is weak and lets them do whatever they want? They let other people walk all over them without an ounce of respect.

People ONLY respect those that respect themselves.

Without the trust that comes by having self respect she will have no choice but to keep her distance. She can't open up to someone won't be strong enough to protect her when she is vulnerable after opening up.

"Nice" people are some of the angriest people you will ever meet but their anger is mostly internal. They constantly beat themselves up and have tons of resentment towards others that is rarely seen because of how "nice" they are and how much they fear losing people.

The truth is they aren't really angry with other people, they are angry with themselves for not developing a spine and taking too much crap. They let people walk all over them and ask for more because they don't want anyone of to disapprove of them. That fear of disapproval and fear of losing others is so strong that you would be amazed at the amount of disrespect they will put up with.

By not having and "enforcing" your own personal rules you will end up people who will make your life miserable. Without rules, women will use your dignity as a dishrag to mop up any remaining shred of masculinity out of the sink.

Transitioning from doormat to a person of strength

Start small and take it slowly. If you are dating someone DON'T go gung ho and blast her with 50 million rules and expert her to follow all of them at once-it might freak her out. Slowly integrate them into your relationship.

If you are just starting out in your relationship get the rules down as soon as possible. It's far better to start a relationship off right than to try repair the damage.

Write out a list of things that you will and will not tolerate from other people. Here are a few of my own:

-Only energy allowed in my relationships is love

-Treat me respect and I will do the same to you

-Be nice or be gone.

-If you cant talk to me in a calm, relaxed manor then you must calm down before we talk

-Honesty, integrity and compassion aren't optional

The first time you tell someone not to treat you that way you WILL be nervous and scared. Don't expect yourself to be zen like when you are standing up for yourself for the first time. Over time and with much practice standing up for yourself will become as easy as asking someone for the time.

The rules are for you, not the girl

To be able to truly keep any of your own personal rules you MUST NOT FEAR LOSING the girl or anyone because you will only go so far without firing them from your life. When a girl or friend finds out about your tipping point, they will lose respect and trust for you.

Your rules aren't meant for a single person to follow them. You aren't trying to get a particular person to follow them, just the person that fills that role. You have certain standards for the girlfriend role, not a specific person.

The person who fills your girlfriend role should do such and such behavior, not Suzie. The person who fills the friend role should do this and that behavior, not Jon should do this and that behavior.

Trying to get a specific person to do what you want of them is controlling. Having rules setup for a role gives people the option of deciding whether or not they want to play that role-it's their choice.

If you try to get a specific person to follow your rules you will end up with tons of frustration and anger because not everyone will be able to accept and follow them.

-Alex